OZAUKEE PRESS

Make memories children cherish

Red Ribbon speaker tells parents the greatest gift they can give is time

By Beverly Ventura/Ozaukee Press Staff

Parents need to spend time with their children, creating positive memories they can carry forward the rest of their lives. That was the message to parents from John Crudele during Red Ribbon Week in Ozaukee County.
He spoke with parents, middle school and high school students in area schools at separate presentations throughout the week.

"Research shows parents are the most important influence on children to not use alcohol and drugs and the most important source of information regarding drug and alcohol-related decisions," he told parents. "They rank second behind peers as a source of help."

"If parents aren’t spending time creating memories with their children, someone else will," he said. "That someone is likely to be peers, who may influence a child or teen in negative ways."

“Children spell love T-I-M-E,” he said.

He reminded parents they make choices about what they participate in through­out their children’s lives. Activities done with a “have to” attitude will lead to resentment.

“A ‘choose to’ attitude leads to sweetness,” he said.

Seven attributes for self worth and identity

Crudele suggested parents enhance self esteem and create a strong sense of identity within their children. "Children will be able to resist peer pressure toward negative activities only when they have a strong sense of self-worth," he said.

The seven attributes he talked about for doing that are:

• Acceptance by parents (and other adults) leads to security in children.
• Appreciation leads to children feeling significance.
• Affection leads to feelings of being loveable.
• Parents being available leads to children feeling valuable and important.
• Holding children accountable leads to children developing a sense of responsibility.
• Knowing what authority is leads to teens knowing how to give respect.
• Acknowledging children’s efforts leads them to know effort comes before success and being comes before effort.

According to Crudele, who punctuated his presentation with rapid-fire examples and stories, children or teens need those seven attributes to have the strength to resist alcohol, tobacco or drug-related pressures from peers. He pointed out parents may not want to hear that their own behaviors are contributing to negative behaviors in their children.

“If I’m pointing a finger and you want to bite it off, at least look at the direction the finger is pointing before you do,” Crudele said.

Sometimes parents need to seek help to resolve unhealthy baggage they are carrying from their own upbringing before they can do a healthy job as a parent.

“We often help everyone but ourselves,” he said.

Crudele, who has no children of his own, expressed sympathy for the tough job parents have raising children in a con­fusing world.

“Children are the only really big thing we have that do not come with an owner’s manual,” he said.

"Schools can teach general values," he said, "but parents have to define their personal standards for appropriate behavior. Then they have to stick to them, even when children protest."

“Take a stand for your kids. You have the greatest opportunity,” he said.

Parents must teach children their expectations for right and wrong behavior. Only when standards are clearly defined can children know when they are being responsible and be held accountable.

“Don’t bail kids out on the little things. They need to face themselves and the consequences of what they do,” Crudele said.

“Make your expectations with your kids like a job description. Then they can feel secure they’re doing, or not doing, what is expected of them.”

Looking at what parents accept

Crudele challenged parents to look at their own attitudes toward drug and alcohol use. Allowing teens to consume or serve alcohol at a graduation party, for instance, gives a mixed message about consumption.

“Make sure the message you are giving them isn’t, ‘Don’t get caught,’” he said. “Right and wrong do matter.”

He also reminded parents to let children know they are loved for themselves, not their behavior. "Don’t just praise them when they do well on something. Tell them you think they’re special at all times, not just when they have gotten an A or scored a goal," he said.

“I cannot feel secure if love is given on a performance basis,” he said. “Don’t connect your love to their behavior. That leads to children feeling ‘If I’m not doing something right, I’m not lovable.”

Crudele is the author of four books, including “Making Sense of Adolescence: How to Parent from the Heart.”

He has written numerous articles about youth and family issues and appeared on national radio and television programs.